life.?

ull never know how much u love someone untill they are gone..
ive heard of this phrase alot of times..
still i fail to understand nor feel the lost..
untill i experienced it..

a year ago in february..
i lost a cousin and after a few days after that i lost my grandma..
many years before my grand aunt..
and when i was young..i think when i was a bout 7 or 8
a best fren..

but probably that time i was too young to understand i lost a fren and a grand aunt..
because when my mum told me i lost my fren..
she actually hold me tight..
clearly i can still remember..
my mum hold me close to her and said very slowly..
"asha-girl, uncle sultan and the family met with an accident on the way from kampung..
and we lost Rizal and Aliah"
As far as i can remember, i just kept quiet and went on with my daily activities..
and from that day on never i asked about Aliah nor Rizal..
untill our family were reunited many years after dat..
from Uncle Sultan wife's face i know she misses her daughter and son..
still i didnt feel how its like..

then..
when my grand aunt passed on..
still my tears was frozen..
not a drop..
but i know i still think of her..
because.. everytime i "balik kampung"
ill stay at my aunts place which is about 500meters away from my grandaunt..
and from meters away id scream "mak tok..!! mak tok!! mak tok!!" as i make way to her house..
and as soon as i arrive..a good cup of kopi kampung is prepared for me..
she just knows my favourite...
when i mess around with the turkeys and the goose at the yard..
ill run screaming for her and she'll come to my safety..
chasing those annoying 2 feet creatures away from me..
also when i tease my aunty that has "melatah" problem..
she will be the one that will save me..

so clear i can remember my aunt was sweeping the lawn..
i poked her and make her dance and say ridiculous things, then my mum came from the back and poke my aunt and said."pukul dia.! pukul dia!"
u know how ppl with melatah problem some how will lost their conciousness..
and my aunt started whacking me with the broom stick..
i ran as fast as i could..
she chased me around the whole kampung..
when i was just about the reach my grandaunts house i fell..
and my aunt took the chance and whacked me with the broom..
still being uncouncious..
mak tok came and snatched the broom away..
haih.. i miss mak tok..
the memory still lives on...

last year..
my close cousin passed away..
due to post-natal complications
which is mainly the doctors fault.
when i got the news
i screamed so hard and cried so hard..
that my dad came running..
dat night itself we rushed to Nibong Tebal..
the whole journey i was crying and at the same time reciting Yaasin
over and over again..
the whole night i cried..
the whole of the next day i cried..
till before he body was taken out of the house..
i hugged her and cried...
telling her how much im gonna miss her..
at the cemetary i almost fainted..
i couldnt take it that she left us.
hah! finally! my tears didnt freeze..

i came back to kl..
with all the memories we had..

i tried to move on..

but not long just a few days after my cousin left us.

my grand ma passed away.
it was a second shock for me..
to make it even more shocking.
she took her last breath in my arms.
i was the one right in front of her..
when she closed her eyes slowly..
she went so calmly...
i tot she fell asleep..
as i glanced to the clock it was 10.45am
my mum's faced changed..
and ilooked at my mum and said..
"no ma.. atema is ok.. dia tido.. i think she is tired over the pain due to the cancer"
i was so positive.
little that i know. she has left the world.
the doctor cam at 11.00.
and she was checking my grandma
and turned to us and said.. im sorry..
she's no more.
i stared at the doctor.
i said "no, it cudnt be. i saw she fell a sleep.
if true. give me a time"
and the doctor said 10.45.
all i said "YaAllah, ma. i saw she fell alseep at that exact time."
the next thing i know i was on the floor. cudnt believe what happend..
a while after my step mum arrived.
i was already calling all family and frens to break the news..
while both my mum was trying to find the right words in
how to tell my dad that he lost his mum..

at 1 point i tot everyhting that happend was a bit too much to handle.
i cudnt stop crying. but i had to stand strong.
to help prepare my grandma's last journey..
Alhamdulillah.. everything went on so well not a single problem..

recently..
an aunt of mine..
passed on after almost 3 years struggling with cancer..
i was in Contemporary Fiction class when my bro called telling she is getting weaker.
at that moment i decided to skip all classes for the day.
i informed Dr.Andrew and Dr.Helen and rushed home to fetch my mum..
when we were only a few meters away from the hospital
my dad called. we were too late..
we didnt get to see her before she closed her eyes forever..
still we dropped by the hospital and then took her children home..
to prepare for the funeral..
my aunt's youngest son Hafiez was with me.
i carried him trying to console him.
i cudnt hold my tears when he said,
"kak feeza, hafiez taknak jadi anak yatim.. hafiez dah takde mama."
from being able to stay strong i cried with him..
im so close to my aunty aswell.
as things are sure so so extremely different without her around.
seeing her family now, trying to cope with their lost really opened my eyes.

especially how you should love and care for ur old folks and those around you.
dont regret when they are gone.
ive got frends that lost their mother or father.
and at that point i feel im lucky to still have my parents around.
coz what in the world would i do without them?
i now try to always be home to be with them.
try to spent every second i have to be with them.
i also try my hardest to divide my time to be with my other loved ones.
my beloved friends.
hanging out is a big agenda in my schedule nowadays.
with uni friends, school friends and everyone..
id make unsual drive to kl to see my sister who studies there..
a silly sms to my cousins. a phone call to tease my sweetheart ameiyrul.
my little bro.
a mass sms to my buddies.
an effort to be at every gathering planned..

last 2 and half years was a stress..
too much happend.
that needed a hard consideration of wut's good and bad.
a decision to be made. and a decision taken.
a decision that ill NEVER regret..

what i tot it is. it not what it is.

hmmm..
as for the poeple who left us to be with god: Al-Fatihah.
for us here..
life has to go on..
yang pergi tetap akan pergi.
sayangi setiap insan yg masih ada.
pastikan kenangan-kenangan yg tercipta
sebagai kenangan manis yg akan senantiasa terpahat di hati dan minda.

kepada insan yg telah kembali kepadaNya - AlFatihah..
kepada insan yg masih ada disampingku.
ketahuilah bahawa, setiap nafas yang ku ambil
kusertakan degan iringan doa agar kebahagiaan dan kerahmatan yang Esa akan sentiasa disamping kalian semua..
kasih dan sayang ku hanya utk kalian semua.


Kalian yg kusayang.
walau hujan kan membasahi bumi,
setiap titisan itu mewakili doaku buat kalian,
walau matahari kan mengontangkan bumi,
kasihku takkan sekali-kali kering buat kalian,
walau salji kan menyejukn bumi,
sayangku akan sentiasa menghangatkan kalian,

sekuat arus yg menghanyutkan bahtera dia lautan,
tiada yg dapat menghanyutkan diriku dari kalian.
sekuat petir di langit yg biru,
kuat lagi ingatan ku pada kalian.
sebanyak titisan air di dunia ini,
tak tertanding dgn titisan air mata kegembiraan ku yg bakal menitis atas kejayaan kalian.
biar jasad ku tidak mengizinkan ku berada disamping kalian,
mengertilah bahawa doaku kan menjadi teman kalian walau di mana jua.
InsyAllah.

-feeza-
12.55 am.